Give Me Something I Can Feel Read online

  Men love to chase. We take pride in working for our woman. In our treasure. If he doesn’t want to work for you, you’re not his treasure. If you’re not his treasure, you will never have his heart. You’ll never be the one he fights to keep.

  So yea, after I called things off with Sinead a week ago it didn’t cross my mind that she’d track me down tonight, but I should have expected that. She was the kind of woman that felt like because she was beautiful and had a nice body she could have any man she wanted. And when a man that she wanted didn’t want her that was a kick to her ego. Now she felt like she had a point to prove. She felt like she had to make me want her.

  Wrong again.

  I was aware of her beauty just like every other man that laid eyes on her… but it would take much, much more than a pretty face and curvy shape to secure my interest. When I decided to commit, which I don’t see happening any time soon, it will be with a woman with substance. And Sinead was… shallow and empty.

  Grabbing my phone off the dresser, I ignored Sinead’s call and checked the time. I had thirty minutes to finish getting ready before I had to head to the arena. It was our last game of the season and it was on the road, so I wanted to give myself time to go and give the team a pep talk as well.

  Sinead called again as she continued to bang on my door. As I placed her contact on my blocked list, my youngest sister Harlem called me. I had two. Harlem, who was 16, and Carmen, who was closer to my age at 25. Harlem was definitely an oopsie baby for my parents. They only planned on having two children. Carmen and I. I’m the oldest at 32, and Carmen was supposed to be the baby, but nine years later mama got pregnant with Harlem, and she’s been my pride and joy ever since. Both of my sisters are, but Harlem holds a special place in both me and Carmen’s heart because she was so young when mama died.

  “Hey, sweetheart,” I answered as I sat in the chair that was in the dining area of my room. My mood was instantly calmed and brightened by her calling, and she hadn’t even said anything yet. “What’s up?”

  “Boo… what is that noise in the background?”

  My eyes shifted towards the door as I sighed.

  “Nothing. What’s up, Harlem?”

  “You got another crazy one don’t you? I told you about messing with all those different women, Knight. You need to stop. I don’t have time to be catching a flight cause one of them hopping on some Thin Line Between Love and Hate shit.”

  “Watch your mouth. And what you know about that movie? You weren’t even born when it came out, girl.”

  “So! I watch Martin all the time and I watched all his movies!”

  “What do you want, sweetheart? I need to finish getting ready so I can head to the arena.”

  She blew a loud breath into the phone and the beating of my heart picked up.

  “Knight…” Harlem paused and exhaled loudly again. “I have to tell you something.”

  “OK. What?”

  “First, promise me that you won’t get mad.”

  “I will not.”

  “Knight!”

  I smiled and stood. Once I was at my bed I placed her call on speaker so I could finish getting dressed.

  “Just tell me what you have to tell me. Don’t make me make a promise I might not be able to keep.”

  “Fine…” another pause. “Daddy kicked me out. I’ve been staying with Princess and her family for the last week. When are you coming home?”

  My shirt was tossed back onto the bed as I snatched my phone up.

  “Pops kicked you out? For what? Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

  Their relationship was definitely strained. There was just… so much friction between them.

  Pops had no experience raising a daughter on his own. When mama died Carmen was 15 and damn near taking care of herself by that point. Mama had had enough time to instill a taste of independence in her that she didn’t have time to instill in Harlem. Carmen left Memphis for college and hadn’t returned since. Every break she had she was flying Harlem out to Atlanta to spend time with her, but besides her, Harlem didn’t really have any female influences.

  The girlfriends my dad tried to bring around didn’t last long because Harlem ran them all away, and our grandmothers were so old school everything they said to Harlem went in one ear and out of the other. Harlem rebelled. Period. She was a little troublemaker, and I was the only one that tried to take the time to break that shell.

  “I didn’t call because I knew off season was coming up and I was hoping you’d come home so I could stay with you.”

  Sitting on the edge of the bed, I switched the phone from my left ear to the right and massaged my left temple.

  “Why did he kick you out, Harlem?”

  This wasn’t the first time she’d left the house. Most times it was after he’d tell her, “As long as you stay under my roof you’ll abide by my rules. If you don’t like my rules leave my house.” It was always her choice to leave. I can’t think of one time he’d ever forced her to.

  “Cause,” her voice was a lot softer than it was when she first called.

  “Because what, Harlem?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  The fast pace at which my heart was beating stopped. Completely. It completely stopped beating. Then it plummeted. Fell so low it was like the weight of her words had literally detached it from the valves that were holding it. Fell so low I groaned. I was heartbroken. Heartbroken.

  “What? Harlem…”

  “I only have two years in school left, boo. I’m going to get a job now, and keep it while I’m in school. Then, when I turn 18 I’m going to move out and work a real fulltime job so I can take care of my baby. I just need you to let me stay until daddy lets me come back.”

  “No. You’re not going to cancel college just because you’re pregnant. You’re not going to cut your dreams off just because of this baby. And you for damn sure aren’t going to marry whoever the father is just because he got you pregnant. I refuse to let you ruin your life, Harlem. If pops doesn’t want you to stay with him you can stay at my place. I’ll take care of you and you take care of the baby. You’re going to stay in school, graduate, and go to college just as you’ve always planned. Am I making myself clear?”

  Her sniffles caught me off guard. Harlem was tough. She hardly ever cried.

  “I hear you, Knight. Thank you.”

  “No thanks needed. I planned on going to Miami tomorrow, but I’ll switch my flights out and head home. I’ll pick you up from Princess’s house then. And Harlem…”

  “Yes?”

  “We have a lot to talk about. You know that, right?”

  “I know. I’ll be prepared for your rant. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as daddy’s was.”

  “We’ll talk about that too. I really have to go, though. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “OK. I love you too.”

  I disconnected the call and just… sat there for a second. Completely tuned everything around me out. How did this shit happen? How was my baby about to have a baby? Didn’t Carmen have the sex talk with her? Didn’t I threaten her and the lil knuckleheads she brought around enough to avoid this?

  True, I hadn’t been home in about six months… but damn.

  Shaking the guilt that was slowly starting to consume me off, I finished dressing and prayed that Sinead would be gone by the time I had to leave the hotel. I already wasn’t in the mood for her mess, but now, I really didn’t want to be bothered with her or anyone else.

  We won the game and headed to the club to celebrate. Partying wasn’t really my thing, but I wanted to celebrate with my team. It was always a good feeling to start and end the season with a win, so we had a lot to be proud of and celebrate.

  Even with that in mind, I found myself sitting in the back of VIP next to a bucket of melted ice and unopened champagne. I’ll be the first to admit, when mama died I was the first to pull away from my family. She was what held us together. She was our glue. So when she died… we just…
unraveled. Carmen left for school. Pops shut down emotionally. Harlem started wilding out.

  Over the years that’s been fine with me. Well not fine, but I didn’t see the need to try to pull my family back together. But now… all I wanted to do was go home, make Carmen bring her ass home, and get this shit together.

  Deciding to flow with it, I pulled my phone out to send her a text.

  911 at home. How soon can you get there?

  Sliding my phone back into my pocket, I sat back in my seat and allowed my head to rest on the wall. My eyes scanned the VIP area I was in the back of, and when they landed on Sinead they stopped. Thankfully, she’d left by the time I had to leave the hotel, and I was hoping she’d come to her senses, but she obviously was just taking the time to regroup.

  As soon as our eyes connected she started walking towards me. The vibrating of my phone pulled my attention away from her, so I pulled it out of my pocket and read Carmen’s text.

  Biggest little sis: I can come Friday after work. What’s going on? Call me.

  We’ll talk about it when you get here. Don’t worry yourself between now and Friday. Just get here when you can.

  “Why haven’t you been answering my phone calls, Knight? And I know you heard me outside of your hotel room. You’re so predictable. You stay at the same hotel in the same room every time you come. I know you were in there.”

  I waited until the message said delivered before closing the thread out and putting my phone back in my pocket.

  “Have a seat,” I offered.

  I didn’t want any attention brought onto us. And the way she was hovering over me with one hand clutching her glass of liquor and the other on her hip was enough to grab my attention if I was an onlooker. Sinead sat in the chair that was to the left of me. There was a small table with the champagne on it separating us. She sat her drink on the table and turned towards me.

  “What’s your issue with me?”

  The calmness in my voice in no way matched the way I was feeling on the inside. It was like I had just one good nerve left after that phone call, and I was pretty sure Sinead was going to trample it.

  “What’s my issue with you? Are you serious right now, Knight?” I thought that was a rhetorical question, so I remained quiet. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “My issue with you is that you just cut me off with no kind of warning.”

  “No kind of warning?” I chuckled and sat up in my seat. “What kind of warning would you have liked for me to give you, Sinead? We weren’t in a committed relationship. What would you have liked for me to have said or done?”

  Sinead’s attitude softened as did her stature in the seat. Her straight posture crumbled slightly as she lowered her head. Pulling it up, she looked into my eyes, and what I saw inside of them felt like a kick to my heart. It wasn’t anger. It wasn’t pain. It was love. She’d fallen for me. Hard.

  “I don’t know, Knight. More than a random call in the middle of the night to tell me we’re done. I guess it’s just… I had just spent time with you a week before that and we were fine. Then you call and call things off and…”

  Cutting her off, I grabbed her hand from across the table and pulled it towards me.

  “Sinead… what did I say when we first met? What did I say before I even accepted your number?” she tried to pull her hand away, but I held on. “What did I say, Sinead?”

  “That you didn’t want anything serious. That you wouldn’t be consistent. That once this season was over I’d probably never hear from you again. That the most you could give me was random dates and sex when we were in the same city. But, Knight, even with you being so closed off you still treated me better than any other man has. I don’t want to lose you.”

  She had me tempted to just stop messing with women completely. It didn’t matter if I lied or told the truth, when it was time for things to be over they still gave me a hard time. During off seasons, that was my time to focus on myself. I fasted from women completely. Friendships weren’t even allowed.

  “I hear you, love, and I’m trying to be very sensitive to your feelings, but at this point I have nothing else to offer you. I’m sorry,” I kissed her hand, put it on the table, and stood. “I’m gonna head out. Feel free to take this champagne. I’m sorry, Sinead.”

  Her head turned in the opposite direction and that made me feel worse, but I was tired of feeling bad. Tired of apologizing for leaving after I’d stressed from the beginning that I would. I was definitely cutting women off. Not just for the off season, but until I found one that understood me and was on the same level as me.

  From this point forward my priority would be my family.

  I’d rehearsed my speech so many times I had it memorized, but I still couldn’t work up the nerve to quit my job. For the past five years I’ve been the assistant manager at Bundled, a maternity store. Refusing multiple management positions forced me to face the truth – I hate my job. Okay, I don’t really hate my job. I hate working for someone else for 12 hours a day just to make a multimillion dollar company even richer.

  “Hello, Linda. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me. As you know I’ve worked for Bundled for the past five years, and although I love my job, I think it is time for me to go in another direction,” I rushed out for what felt like the hundredth time as I paced around Linda’s office.

  Linda had been the general manager at my location for two years, but she’d been in her management field with the company for nine years.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t say another direction. But that’s true,” I mumbled before chewing on my cheek.

  That other direction was turning my part time bedside service into a fulltime bedside service with a storefront and all. I’d been catering to the needs of pregnant women since my sister had her first child six years ago. That’s actually what started my business. I did all of the ripping and running for her, and she suggested that I turn it into a business.

  I’m not ashamed to admit it – fear is the sole reason I haven’t gone fulltime with my business over the years. The security of working for a stable company made me comfortable, but I spend so much time here then so much time with my own business that I hardly have time for myself.

  If I’m going to spend 12 hours a day working it just makes sense for me to spend 12 hours working for myself. Thankfully, I’d reached that point mentally… now I just needed to quit my job and make it happen.

  “Hello, Linda. Thank you so much…” the door opened during my practice run, but instead of me turning around to face Linda, I shut my eyes, started over, and blurted my speech out. “Hello, Linda!” why am I so loud? “Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me. As you know I’ve worked for…”

  “Woah, woah. Wait. Not Linda. It’s me.”

  My eyes opened as I turned to face Brea. She was a new hire that I’d taken under my wing three months ago.

  “What are you doing here? Where’s Linda?”

  “She got caught up with a customer. She told me to come back here and let you know she was running behind but she’d be on her way soon,” Brea closed the door behind her and leaned against it with a small smile. “You thinking about quitting?”

  I nodded and leaned against Linda’s desk. It had taken me two weeks to work up the nerve to ask to speak to her. Waiting for even two more seconds felt like the ultimate torture.

  “Yep. It’s been time.”

  “I’d hate to see you go seeing as you’re the only other black person that works this shift with me, but I know how dedicated you are to your business and I really want to see it soar.”

  A small smile tilted the left side of my mouth, but it fell when the door opened again. Brea pulled herself off of it and winked at me as she exited. Not wanting to make my nervousness too apparent, I ran my hands down my pants before pulling my hands behind my back.

  “Hey, lady. What’s on your mind?” Linda made her way behind her desk and plopped down with a satisfied release of breath. “God, you have n
o idea how glad I am to sit down. Well, yes you do. You work harder than me around here. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you, Charlie. I’m trying to get these new hires up to speed and on the same level as you, but that seems like it’s impossible. If I could have just three more of you I’d be satisfied. You can’t ever leave me,” she chuckled as she grabbed her bottle of Coke and took a swig. Motioning for me to sit down she ordered me to, “Sit down. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

  With my bottom lip twisted to the side, I sat down and ran over my speech in my head.

  “Hello, Linda,” she looked at me with one raised eyebrow and a crooked smile. “Thank you so much for taking the…” I palmed my forehead and sighed. I’ve said this shit I don’t know how many times. How could I be forgetting it right now? Just start over, Charlie. Damn. “Hello, Linda. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me. As you know…”

  Knocks on the door interrupted my spill, and I cannot lie, I was kind of glad. I was like three words away from melting into a puddle of sad sweat. Just straight up pitiful, spineless, gullible sweat.

  “Sorry guys, there’s a lady out here that wants a cash refund for her purchase, but she doesn’t have a receipt. I offered to give her store credit but she doesn’t want it. Can one of you come talk to her?” Ava, another new hire asked.

  “Sure. We’ll be out in just a second. Charlie has…”

  “No. It’s. It can wait. I’ll. Let me…” I stood and grabbed my phone off the edge of the desk. “I’ll take care of the customer. It can wait.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Closing the door behind me was my answer. I leaned my body against it softly for a few seconds before inhaling a deep breath, shaking my disappointment in myself off, and heading for the front of the store.

  “Auntie Lie?” my youngest niece called.

  I lifted her to my lap as I kept my attention on my Facebook feed.

  “What’s up, booger?”