Give Me Something I Can Feel Read online

  Give Me Something I Can Feel

  A romance by:

  B. Love

  www.authorblove.com

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2016 B. Love

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For more information, please contact the publisher.

  For information about bulk purchases, please contact B. Love via email – [email protected]

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  Interested in having your book published under B. Love Publications? Send the first three chapters of your manuscript to [email protected]

  Hey!

  Thanks so much for reading!

  Very quickly I wanted to let you know about my giveaway! I am giving away four fire tablets four days after the release of this book. Details on how to enter and win will be at the end!

  Also, if you enjoy reading about Knight and Charlie, I’d appreciate it if you left a review and recommended this book to your friends!

  All my best to you,

  His Prologue

  Knight rushed through the emergency room. All eyes were on him – on the wide eyed man whose clothes were drenched with rain – but his eyes were on the front desk attendant. Police followed behind Knight, trying and failing to secure him. Speeding ticket be damned. Right now, his only concern was his mother. He’d deal with everything else later.

  Trembling hands grabbed the glass that separated him from the attendant, and Knight pulled it apart. His temporary stillness made it easy for the police that were following him to restrain him.

  “Get the fuck off of me!” Knight roared as he fought against the four arms that were restraining him.

  Gasps, whispers, and screams poured from all over the waiting room.

  “Please, sir, remain calm. I do not want to have to tase you,” one of the officers warned.

  Knight’s head went to the left, and his eyes locked with the attendant.

  “Can you please tell me what room my mother is in? Angela Carver.”

  The attendant nodded quickly and pecked away at her computer. Handcuffs were placed on Knight’s wrists, then he was lifted to his feet and read his rights.

  “She’s in room 216,” the attendant pointed to a set of double doors to the right of her. “Go straight through and turn right.”

  Knight nodded and looked at the police that was standing behind him.

  “I don’t mind going to jail for whatever y’all are trying to charge me with. Just let me see my mother before I go. That’s the only reason I was speeding and didn’t stop. I needed to get to her. Please, let me see her before you take me.”

  The officers looked from one to the other, agreeing silently. Knight was led behind those double doors, and each step he took seemed to have weakened him. His mother had struggled with diabetes for years. It didn’t matter how much they tried to make her eat right and take better care of herself, she didn’t take her illness seriously. As most people don’t.

  Angela continued to neglect her health.

  And now… the stroke that may or may not take her life was making her pay for it.

  Knight saw his father, Princeton, standing outside of room 216 speaking with his mother’s doctor. Princeton’s eyes were lowered towards the ground, but the closer Knight got the higher his father’s eyes went. They went from Knight’s shoes to his legs. They lingered at his chest for a while. Then landed on his eyes. And as soon as they did… Knight fell to his knees and hung his head.

  The officers tried to lift him up, but he was too heavy. Not physically but emotionally. The look on his father’s face told him all that he needed to know about his mother’s condition.

  “Why is my son in handcuffs?” Princeton asked as he kneeled before Knight and grabbed his face to look into his eyes.

  “We arrested him for speeding, evading arrest, and assaulting a police officer but…” the officer that cuffed him earlier removed them. “We’re just gonna… let it go this time.”

  The officers helped Knight stand, and they both patted him on his back before walking away. Knight inhaled deeply and looked past Princeton towards his mother’s room.

  “What happened, Pops?”

  “What didn’t happen?” the light laugh that fell from Princeton’s lips in no way matched the tears in his eyes. “Kidneys are failing. She had a stroke. Stroke left her brain dead. She’s falling apart, son. She’s falling apart.”

  “But… that’s… people live after having a stroke all the time. Dialysis for her kidneys… she can make it out of this like she makes it out of everything.”

  And by everything Knight meant his mother’s battle with her sight weakening. High blood pressure. Nerve problems. Consistent swelling in her ankles and feet, and skin infections and sores.

  “It’s not that simple, Knight. She’s… she doesn’t want to do the dialysis, and we can’t make her.”

  “The fuck you mean we can’t make her? You’re her husband! She has kids! She can’t just give up! Make her ass go on a diet and start eating right, but you can’t kill her!”

  “Enough! I get that you’re upset, but you will not disrespect me. You’re right; I am her husband, and I’m going to respect her wishes. I’m not going to be selfish and keep her here just to suffer and appease us. If she wants to let things happen naturally that’s what we’re going to do,” Knight tried to walk away, but Princeton grabbed his arm and pulled him closer. “And we’re going to support her no matter what happens.”

  Knight looked from his father to his mother’s room. His fingers grazed the top of his head as he sighed deeply. With slumped shoulders he nodded. Princeton released his arm and wrapped his arm around Knight’s shoulder. Slowly, he led Knight towards Angela’s room.

  “She’s on life support. We’re going to take her off. We just wanted to give you time to get here and say goodbye just in case she isn’t strong enough to fight.”

  Knight briefly hesitated. Measuring the space between him and room 216. He looked back towards the double doors. As if simply running out of them and hopping back in his car and returning to his basketball game could make all of this a horrible nightmare.

  The closer he got to her room, the closer the walls wrapped around him. By the time he finally made it and saw her lying atop her bed he’d swear the walls were crushing him at the sides. Flattening him. Forcing him to feel nothing but pain. Discomfort. Tightness.

  The stillness made her look peaceful. More peaceful than she had looked the past few times he’d seen her. That may have been a good thing.

  Knight looked over at his younger sister, Harlem, as she sat in the corner. Legs pulled up in her chair. Elbows on her knees. Eyes focused intently on her mother. Like she was afraid that if she looked away…

  “Mr. Carver, can I speak with you outside?”

  Knight looked towards the door where the voice came from. Princeton nodded and went outside to speak with Angela’s doctor. With an odd and unfamiliar tinge of disappointment, Knight walked over to his mother and ran his finger across her cheek – pulling back immediately at the feel of her cold skin.

  Blinded by tears t
hat choked his voice, Knight muttered, “Why won’t you fight?” as he lowered his forehead to hers. “Why are you giving up on us?”

  And then he remembered… she wouldn’t be able to answer him.

  “Knight, it’s time.”

  Knight ran his fingers through his mother’s hair at the sound of his father’s voice. Refusing to stay and watch her leave, he walked over to Harlem and kissed her cheek before walking out of the room abruptly.

  Her Prologue

  “She’s just… she’s just a little girl. There must be something you can do.”

  Chelsey’s shaking hands grabbed the top of Doctor Berry’s lab coat. Before he could try to pull her away, her husband, William, was grabbing her by her waist and putting space between her and the doctor.

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. White, but there’s nothing else we can do at this point. Your daughter’s heart is failing. It’s enlarged and it’s tired. We’ve tried every possible medicine. Every surgery. Every treatment. There’s nothing else we can do. If we don’t have a closely matched donor… there’s just nothing else that we can do. I’m sorry.”

  Doctor Berry walked away, and William deemed it safe to release his wife. Chelsey began to pace in front of Charlie’s room as she shook her head. Weighed down with the feeling of failing her daughter. Her baby daughter. As Charlie’s mother, Chelsey thought it was her responsibility to do all she could to keep her alive and well.

  Chelsey brought her into this world, and she refused to allow anything to take her out this young.

  “If we can’t find a donor I’m going to give her my heart, William,” Chelsey’s voice was calm. A little too calm for William. Like she’d been considering this for a while. That would make sense. Charlie had been having heart issues for years. At 19, there was no question in William’s mind about how many scenarios Chelsey had come up with to keep her daughter here. “I’m not going to just stand out here and allow her to just… die. For her heart to just… stop. No. If a donor is the problem… I’ll donate mine.”

  William sighed and ran his hands over his face.

  “Chels, it’s not that simple, hon. You have to be a good, close match. You’re not. If you were we’d know. And even if you were a match, how do you think she’d feel if she woke up and you were gone?”

  “I don’t care how she’d feel. Feelings will change. She’d be alive. That’s all that matters to me.”

  There was no point in arguing with her when she got like this, so William pulled her into his arms and held her close instead.

  “She’s my baby, William. My baby.”

  William kissed the top of Chelsey’s head and sighed deeply.

  “I know, hon. I know.”

  “Mom, Dad,” Rodney, Charlie’s older brother called as he marched down the hallway towards them.

  Charlie’s older sister, Veronica, was right behind him. And her best friend, Deja, was behind her. Chelsey pulled herself from William’s grip at the sight of her children. Now, she had to be strong for them. Rodney fell into her arms as Veronica hugged her father. Deja leaned against the wall as she stared at Charlie’s door absently.

  “What are they saying?” Veronica inquired.

  Chelsey looked at William to answer as she grabbed Veronica’s hand.

  “Her heart is extremely enlarged. Because of that her body is retaining fluid. Her lungs are congested. They have her on a breathing machine, and they’re trying to slow her heart palpitations down, but none of the medicine is working.”

  “Did they try water? That worked last time,” Deja offered – her eyes still trained on the door.

  “Yes. No change. And they don’t want to give her too many IV’s because she’s already swelling from the fluid. Dr. Berry is saying that besides a donor there’s nothing else that they can do.”

  “Nothing else they can do?” Rodney repeated. “So what? They’re just going to let my baby sister die? The fuck type of shit is that? I’ll give her my heart.”

  Chelsey smiled and lowered her head as tears began to fall.

  “You know just like your mother knows that’s not how it works, Rod. If it was that easy I’d be beside her giving her mine.”

  “Can I talk to her?” Deja interjected.

  “Just for a little while. She’s out of breath and exhausted. She doesn’t need to overwork herself. Make sure she keeps the mask on,” William instructed.

  Deja nodded and walked into Charlie’s room. She kept the door open – truthfully, scared to be alone with her. Standing at the foot of Charlie’s bed, Deja looked down at her as she ran her thumb across Charlie’s ankle softly.

  Charlie’s eyebrows wrinkled, and her eyes fluttered open weakly. Her cheeks raised as she smiled at the sight of Deja. Deja returned the smile as tears filled her eyes.

  “Don’t try to talk. I just… wanted to tell you that I was here and I love you. All of your family is outside.”

  Charlie nodded as a tear slid down her cheek. Deja made her way to Charlie’s side. Grabbing her left hand, Deja wiped the tear away.

  “What’s wrong, Charlie?”

  Charlie shook her head as she placed her free hand on top of her heart. Her mouth opened, but she closed it. Deja pulled the mask up slightly so Charlie could speak.

  “It hurts.”

  Deja put the mask back down before she replied.

  “It hurts? Your heart?”

  Charlie nodded as another tear fell. In all the years Deja had known her, she’d never seen her cry over her condition. Deja looked from Charlie to the outside of the room where her family stood. She tried to walk away to get her parents, but Charlie put all of her strength into holding Deja’s hand.

  “I was just going to get your parents.”

  Charlie shook her head. Deja lifted the mask.

  “Don’t. I’ve worried them enough. Just… pray for me.”

  Deja nodded and inhaled deeply as her lips trembled. She rubbed her lips together and looked down at Charlie. Her heart was beating close to 250 times a minute, yet the rise and fall of her chest was painstakingly slow. But it was hard. She could literally see Charlie’s heart beating.

  Charlie closed her eyes. Deja did the same.

  “Gracious and eternal God…” Deja paused and inhaled deeply again as she fought back tears. “Thank you for You. For the Holy Trinity. For Jesus – whose stripes have already secured Charlie’s healing. For Your Holy Spirit – who gives us Your strength. Your peace. God, I’m not sure what you have in store for Charlie, but…” the tears she’d been holding in finally began to fall. “But if you could just… take her pain away. Be it here or there… I just want my best friend’s pain to be over. In Jesus name I pray am–”

  Deja’s eyes bolted open at the sound of Charlie’s machine flat lining.

  “Charlie…” she nudged an unresponsive Charlie on the shoulder as her family rushed into her room. “Charlie!”

  “What happened?” Chelsey grabbed Charlie’s hand as Deja backed away. “What happened, Deja? Rodney, get her doctor!”

  “I was just praying for her… then the machine started…”

  Deja’s head shook as she continued to back away from Charlie. Doctor Berry sprinted into the room and took Chelsey’s place at Charlie’s side as three other doctors followed behind him.

  “We need the room clear. Everyone out.”

  Deja watched as Charlie was unhooked and rolled out of the room. Still unresponsive. Everyone followed behind as Charlie was rolled out. Except Deja. She stayed behind and fell to her knees.

  “OK, I lied – I don’t want her pain to be over. Not if it means she has to die. Please, don’t take her away from me. From us. Please.”

  10 years later…

  Sinead was beating on my hotel room door like she didn’t have any common sense. I don’t know why she thought randomly popping up at my hotel would make me talk to her. I guess she thought since I was back in her hometown of Cleveland that this was her best chance of getting me to talk to her.

&
nbsp; Wrong.

  When I ended things with a woman… I ended things with a woman.

  It didn’t matter what she said or did to try to get me back; when I made up my mind to call things off that was it.

  To be honest, I can’t even come up with a reason why Sinead was taking losing me so hard anyway. We weren’t in a committed relationship. I wasn’t a big texter and phone talker, so we hardly communicated. For the most part, I’d hit her up when I was in town or I’d fly her to wherever my job had me when I wanted female companionship.

  As a sports announcer for the Memphis Grizzlies, I was on the road more than I was ever home. My lifestyle didn’t leave room for commitment and consistency. I made that perfectly clear to Sinead, but she allowed herself to go and fall for me anyway. Now she expected me to pick her up when I’d told her from the jump that I wouldn’t.

  I told her that I was no good.

  No good for her at least.

  I told her that all I could offer her was sex.

  Not even consistent sex.

  As usual, she thought she would be able to use her body to secure my heart… and as usual… she was wrong.

  Women could spare themselves so much pain if they actually listened to what a man said. If they actually took the time to ask him from the jump what his intentions were. If a man doesn’t want commitment, there’s nothing you can do to make him commit to you but show him what he has in you. What he has in you has to be something different from all the other women he could be with. Having sex with him or telling him you’re cool with just kicking it knowing damn well you want a committed relationship is not the way to go about it. He can kick it and have sex with any woman.

  If you really want to stand out… be honest and upfront from the jump about what you want and make him meet your demands. Don’t settle for less than what you want and deserve. Don’t settle for sex and friendship with benefits if you want more, because once you put yourself in that friend position… you’ll have the hardest time getting him to see you as more.