Alayziah: When Loving Him is Complicated Read online

  “Um-hm,” she mumbled, putting her bag in the chair by the window.

  “What’s this?” I asked as she sat on the bed.

  “Just open it.”

  I did as I was told and my heart melted. Strawberry cupcakes. I told her that I loved strawberry cake, really strawberry anything. Here I was, trying to do something special for her, and she surprised me. I looked at her through the mirror and she blushed.

  “You do listen to me, huh?”

  She nodded.

  “You gone make me buy you a house one day, girl.”

  I was serious too. The way I was feeling for her, she was going to be wife number three, and you know they say the third time is the charm. I sat the box of cupcakes down and walked over to her as she took off her jean jacket. She had on a pink romper with blue and black flowers. The sides were cut out so I could see her sides and the sides of her breasts. The fuck was she thinking, teasing a nigga like this? I already told her that I wanted to make love to her. How she expect a nigga to keep my composure under these circumstances?

  “I can’t get a hug?” I asked with a smile as I looked down on her.

  She got up reluctantly. I guess she was thinking about what happened the first and last time we hugged. I grabbed her, pulled her into me, and she rubbed my back up and down.

  “Why you rubbing on me like that?” I asked her. Shit was getting my dick hard.

  “I missed you,” she moaned.

  “I missed you, too,” I said before cupping her face between my hands and placing my lips on hers.

  I wanted to kiss her since I first saw her. She had some sweet plump lips and they felt so good that I moaned. Must’ve turned her on because she pulled me closer to her. I couldn’t help myself. I was tired of pecking her lips. Slowly, I eased my tongue into her mouth to see if she would allow me entrance. She did. Our tongues danced against each other like they had done it before. This time, she was the one who moaned. I massaged her scalp. She sucked my lips. I lifted her up, wrapped her legs around my waist, and tossed her on the bed.

  Looking up at me, she smiled. Her eyes had lowered like she was high. She looked so fucking good. I knew we were rushing, we were moving fast, and she wanted to go slow and not be so reckless, but none of that mattered. I had to get inside of her. As I crawled between her legs, she pushed me away gently.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  Running her fingers through her hair, she sat up in the middle of the bed. “You promise that it’s over with her?”

  I could see the fear in her eyes. I wanted to reassure her, not because I wanted to have sex, but because I wanted her to know that I wanted her and her alone. Yes, I loved Carmen. Yes, I was still spending time with Carmen, and yes, people still thought we were together, but I wanted Alayziah. No matter the cost, I had to have her.

  “I promise, baby. It’s over. I want you. We don’t have to have sex. I know you think we’re moving too fast with our feelings, but I can’t help that I fell for you. I’m just trying to get our bodies to catch up with my heart, I guess. You can’t help who your heart wants and my heart wants you, only you.” She smiled before running her hand down my face. “I love you, Alayziah.”

  “I love you, too.”

  After getting out of the bed, I grabbed one of my t-shirts and handed it to her for her to put on. She went into the bathroom to change. While she was in there, I heard my phone vibrating. I looked at it and it was Carmen asking me where I was. I shot her a lie back quickly before Alayziah came out.

  “You don’t want to wrap your hair up?” I asked her.

  I knew we were going to end up falling asleep in each other’s arms. She smiled as she crawled over to me. Kissing my lips, she shook her head no. As we both lay on our sides, chest to chest, I wrapped my arm around her. She wrapped her arm around me, stroking my spine lightly with her fingertips. I shivered under her touch.

  “Stop,” I warned.

  “Why?” she asked with a smile.

  “That’s turning me on.”

  “So?”

  “Kiss me.”

  Lifting her head slightly, she did as she was told. My lips found their way to her neck as I flipped her onto her back. She spread her legs and allowed me to lean against her as I nibbled on her neck.

  “Ummm…” she moaned, taking my face into her hands and kissing me.

  I couldn’t help myself. My hands went from her stomach to her thighs to her pussy. I stopped kissing her abruptly and stared down at her.

  “What?” she asked.

  “You don’t have any panties on. You giving you to me, hunh?” I asked before twirling my middle and ring finger against her clit.

  “Mmmm…” Alayziah moaned again.

  I knew her moans would be like music to my ears. I had to hear it some more. Pushing my shirt up and over her head, my mouth licked and sucked on each of her nipples while my fingers still worked their magic on her clit. She grinded against me, getting wetter and wetter. Her breathing was short and choppy as her mouth opened slightly. I looked up at her as I kissed down her stomach, stopping at her clit. Sliding one finger inside her and covering her clit with my mouth at the same time, I flattened her stomach as she arched her back. I needed that ass flat so I could find and tease her spot. Her legs wrapped around my shoulders and I smiled as I pushed and pulled my finger inside of her. Licking. Sucking. Biting. Blowing on her clit. Her moans were sending me over the edge. I was about to nut and I wasn’t even inside of her.

  Taking my free hand, I pulled my shorts down and ate her until my dick was free. When it was, I positioned myself on top of her so I could enter her. Taking the lips on her face into mine, I slowly eased myself inside of her. She moaned and bit down on my lip as I put all of me inside of her. She was so tight, so wet, so hot. I couldn’t even move. I just laid there, inside of her for a few seconds and stared at her. I truly was in love.

  Alayziah

  The past two months of my life had been awesome. For the first time in years, I was happy and in love. Alex wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for me. He made me feel so special. It was like he valued me and appreciated me. I loved him for that. We weren’t in a committed relationship yet, but I didn’t even care about titles. We had a connection or at least, that was what I thought – until I walked into my church for the first time in months and saw him with Carmen. I didn’t want to let it faze me. I didn’t want to act a fool in the church. I didn’t want to get all in my feelings, but I couldn’t understand for the life of me why he was there with her.

  After he had been in me a few times out of the week every week. After he’d constantly came inside of me, trying to get me pregnant. I was on birth control, though. I was struggling to provide for myself and I couldn’t take care of a baby too. He had been telling me on a daily basis that he loved me, wanted to marry me, and wanted to have a family with me. We’d even started looking at apartments to rent. I was even considering getting off my birth control after he proposed, which he said was coming soon, but here he was, in church, sitting next to her and they were all hugged up, smiling like they didn’t have a care in the world. I can’t lie, I’d been feeling bad about what I was doing with him. I never meant to be the reason he left her and he swore that I wasn’t. He said I had no reason to feel bad, but I did, so much that I stopped going to the church. I couldn’t face her or her father, but something inside of me was telling me to come to church today and now, I saw why.

  I sat on the back pew and logged into my Facebook account, only to find more disturbing statuses and pictures of them together. One was taken just a couple of days ago, a day that he told me that he couldn’t see me because he was sick from food poisoning, but there he was, having lunch with her. Served his ass right if he did get sick. I was so pissed looking at that shit. I stood, about to leave the church, and my eyes connected with his. His expression immediately changed. Deep down, I was hoping that he would get up and run after me and tell me that it wasn’t what it looked like, give me
some excuse as to why he was all hugged up with her, but I realized he wasn’t going to. When she wrapped her arms tighter around him, I couldn’t even make it out of the sanctuary before tears were flooding my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. That nigga played me.

  Alexander

  It broke my heart to see Alayziah upset, and at that moment, I felt like shit because there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t run after another woman with my fiancée sitting right next to me. Yeah, I lied to Alayziah about my situation with Carmen, but it was complicated. I didn’t plan on falling for her and I didn’t plan on her giving me a chance but when she did, I took it.

  Carmen and I were still letting people think we were engaged. We were still kicking it tough. I was still having sex with her, but I made love to Alayziah. I was with Carmen, but I wanted Alayziah. I was just in a tight place. Carmen and I had history, but Alayziah and I had chemistry. I loved Carmen’s kids. I couldn’t just dip on them and it was hard spending time with them, not laughing and tripping with Carmen, and remembering why I fell for her in the first place. I fucked up. I knew I did. I never wanted Alayziah to find out. I planned on ending it with Carmen completely when I got my court stuff taken care of and got on my feet financially; I just needed Alayziah to ride it out with me for a little while longer.

  After three long church services and dropping Carmen and the kids off, I made my way to Alayziah’s place. I was surprised she answered the door, but she didn’t even look at me. She looked so good as her hair was wrapped with a scarf around it without makeup, just puffy eyes and red lips from crying over me. That shit hurt. She was wearing my shirt. That shit hurt worse. She turned slightly to the side and opened the door wider so I could walk in. I had this whole speech planned full of lies that I thought would pacify her so she would keep satisfying me, but when I saw the pain in her face, all of that went out the window. I just wanted to make her feel good, feel loved. I grabbed her hand and led her to her couch.

  “Let me have it. Get it off your chest,” I spoke, preparing for the worst.

  A single tear slid down her face as she took her time answering me. After a few more seconds, she finally asked, “Why did you lie, Alex?”

  “It’s complicated. I didn’t really lie. I just didn’t tell you everything.”

  “Whatever, Alex. You’re still with her. After I asked you constantly what was up with y’all. We still could’ve done our thing if you were with her. I just wouldn’t have given my heart and body to you. Why did you lie?” she asked again as more tears fell from her eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Alayziah. I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t want to tell you the truth because I didn’t want to change the way you look at me. Yeah, I’m still messing with Carmen, but I’m single. She knows that I don’t want to be with her anymore. She’s just helping me financially because she feels bad about her pops calling the police on me and I agreed to act like we are still together because she’s been in so many failed relationships. She didn’t want to hear her parent’s mouth about being right about me.” I grabbed her face and turned her towards me. “I’m just using her. I love you and I want you, Alayziah. Do you believe me?”

  She removed my hand from her face and stood. “You got me out here looking like a fool, Alex.”

  “You’re not looking like a fool. Is there where you want to be? Or not?”

  “That doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes, it does. Is this where you want to be or not?”

  “You know it is.”

  “Then, that’s all that matters. I’m yours. You just have to trust me. When I get my court stuff taken care of, I promise I’m going to commit to you. You just have to trust me, Alayziah.”

  She didn’t trust me right now, and at this point, I didn’t blame her, but I couldn’t lose her. I had to make this up to her.

  “How did you even get here?” she asked.

  “My mom’s truck.”

  That was a lie too. I was in Carmen’s truck. I didn’t know why I lied to her so much. I guess because I thought she couldn’t handle the truth.

  “When do you have to take it back? Let me follow you home so you can drop it off. I want to spend the night with you.”

  “You don’t have to do all that, baby. I’ll just go home and get my brother to drop me off on his way home.”

  She looked at me skeptically before shaking her head and walking into her room.

  Alayziah

  When I found out that Alex was still messing with Carmen, things got really awkward between us. I was so paranoid. I wanted to trust him and wait for him, but I’d been hurt and played so many times that it was hard. I found myself checking their Facebook pages every day and almost every day they’d be posting a status or picture talking about how in love and happy they were. Then, I’d call or text him and flip out, and then he’d ignore me for a few days, and then, he’d get horny and show up at my house. We’d have sex and everything would be good for a few days until he stopped calling, texting, and coming around as much. Then, I got paranoid again, I’d go on Facebook again, I’d see them together again, and I’d act crazy again. He ignored me again and we’d fuck again. Ugh. It was a cycle that needed to end.

  I didn’t want to let him go. Now, they were saying they were married and he swore it wasn’t true. Who fucking lies about being married? Their bitch asses. I knew it wasn’t true because I was checking for their marriage record every day, but the shit was pissing me off. It was like I was his dirty little secret, his mistress, his side chick, and I couldn’t understand that. I begged him to be honest with me. He could’ve come to me and said, “Alayziah, I like you and I love her, but I want to see what’s up with you while I take a break from her.” I would have been cool with that, but all these lies and secrets were bullshit.

  We’d been fighting more than anything lately. I wasn’t his peace anymore. I was a source of pain and I felt like that was pushing him right back into her arms. He was going to leave me. I just didn’t know when.

  I’d been blowing his phone up and, of course, he was ignoring me. Finally, he decided to show his face and I was pissed. As soon as he walked in the door, I started going in on his ass.

  “Alex, why do you insist on lying to me? If you with her, say you with her. If y’all married, say you married. If it’s just about the sex, say that. Just be honest for once so I can let you go.”

  “Mane, I’m so tired of having this conversation. I’m single. I don’t belong to nobody. I can do whatever the fuck I want to do with whoever the fuck I want to do it with. I got too much shit going on to be fighting with your ass. I can be with her for that. I gotta cut grass and shit just to make some extra money. I’m trying not to start back to selling weed, but the harder I try to do right, the harder it is to survive. I gotta come up with five hundred dollars by Friday to pay my lawyer. Then I need another sixteen hundred if they agree to give me the continuance. I got a home visit with my probation officer Friday. I gotta pray that she don’t know about my court date, otherwise, she gone be shipping my ass back to jail. My daughter’s birthday is Sunday and I don’t have any money to buy her anything. On top of all of that, I gotta come over here to hear this bullshit from you. Yeah, I’m still fucking with Carmen. Yeah, I love her. I was with her ass for ten months and I love her kids. I love the little family we got going on. I love spending time with them, but I also like what I have going on with you. I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on falling for you. I’m sorry for putting you through this, but she’s helping me with my money and I ain’t trying to go to jail just to prove to you that I love you. You and my daughter are my everyday reason to smile. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be able to come home to the two of you every day, even if that means I gotta fuck around with her for a little while.”

  My emotions were all over the place. I wanted to be his peace and give him what he needed, but how was I supposed to ignore the fact that she gave him what I couldn’t? A family. He loved those kids. He loved her. I fucked around and start
ed to love him.

  I didn’t say anything. I just went into my kitchen, opened my cookie jar, and pulled out half of the money I had saved. I walked back into my living room with tears in my eyes and handed him the five hundred dollars.

  “What is this?” he asked as his eyes and voice softened.

  “You said you needed it.”

  “I could never ask you for anything. Do you know how bad I feel that you even have to know I’m struggling like this, Alayziah? I don’t even feel like a man right now. I feel like I don’t have anything to offer you. Maybe, that’s why I’m still messing with her too. I don’t deserve you.”

  I walked over to him and put the money into his pocket before kissing him deeply. “I love you, Alex.”

  “But why? Why do you love me? Why me?”

  I smiled a little and shrugged. “You just make me want to love you. I feel like you need it and I thought you would appreciate it.”

  “I do, baby. I do need it. I really do appreciate you. I promise I do. I’m so sorry.” He took me into his arms and started covering my face with kisses. “I’m so sorry, Al. I love you. Please, don’t leave me.”

  Before I knew it, his hands were under my shirt and my mind was gone.

  Alexander

  After I finished sexing Carmen up, I thought she’d be satisfied for the week. I took her son to the zoo the day before and had already planned on going to her middle child’s graduation in a couple of days. I’d done my job as far as she was concerned. Now, I needed to go check on Alayziah. I knew she was going to be pissed. I blocked her number so all her calls went straight to voicemail and I didn’t know she texted me until I scrolled through my log. I told her that my phone was broken and that I didn’t have her number blocked. She actually believed the shit. Carmen was getting suspicious so she had deleted Alayziah from both our Facebook pages and I knew that was what Alayziah was calling me to trip about.