Alayziah: When Loving Him is Complicated Read online

  But she loved me so much she kept riding with me and giving me money until she was broke Spread them legs and blew my phone up until I couldn’t take it anymore

  Started going off on her like I never had before

  Figured if I disrespected her that she would get a clue but she stuck around anyway because I told her she was going to replace you

  Let days go by without giving her some attention

  Until I got tired of screwing her and her feelings

  Told her I loved her and missed her and sexed her one last time

  Then I started ignoring her without taking into consideration the effect that would have on her mind

  Guess her woman’s intuition was screaming too loud because she looked up our marriage record

  Threatened to expose me on Facebook so I left her the most disrespectful voicemail yelling at her

  But, she so stupid she still wants me and cries over me every day

  She even kept her word to write this poem for me to read to you on our wedding day

  And, what makes this even better is I don’t even feel bad about being the worst man she ever had And, even though I call and text her every week or two I’m all yours now and I vow to love and be with you forever

  And, I’ll love you twice as good because I stole her heart placed it inside of mine and now it’s like we loving you together

  And, I know I left her heartless but that’s none of our concern

  She said she wanted to love me unconditionally so I was her mistake and lesson to learn.”

  By the time she finished, she had tears rolling down her cheeks, and I couldn’t lie, they were running down mine as well. I couldn’t believe she felt like my love and feelings for her weren’t real like I’d been lying to her, using her and leading her on all this time. That was so far from the truth I felt insulted, but I couldn’t blame her looking at how fucked up the situation looked. She walked off the stage towards the back and I made my way to her. When I made it to the dressing room that had her name on it the door was locked. I rested my head against the door. She was crying and I caused her this pain.

  “Noelle… open the door, baby.”

  “No!” She yelled.

  “Alayziah, please. Open the door.”

  “No, Alex. Leave me alone!”

  “I can’t do that, baby. I’m not leaving until I see you. There’s no other way for you to get out so you might as well open the door and get this over with. I’m not going anywhere.”

  After a few moments of silence and a lot of sniffles later, she opened the door and stood behind it as she let me in. She closed the door and I got all in her personal space to reach behind her to lock it. Her hands pushed me in my stomach as she tried to create space between us, but I stepped closer, pressed her body into the door.

  “Alex… stop,” she whined. I ignored her as I stared at her. “Alex…”

  “I miss you.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I love you.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Yes I do, baby. My love for you was never a lie.”

  “Just get away from me, Alex. I hate your lying ass.”

  “That’s how you feel, Al?”

  “Yes! I hate I ever met you! You ruined my life. I can’t stand you!” she yelled before punching me dead in my jaw.

  Out of reflex, I hemmed her little ass up against the door. “Alayziah, I ain’t gone take too much more of you putting your hands on me!”

  “Then, leave me the hell alone! You didn’t want me, remember? You got tired of me and my crazy attitude, right? You wanted to ignore me and cut me off, didn’t you? So, leave me the hell alone!” She kneed me in my dick and I let her go, but before she was able to turn around and get out of the door, I grabbed her again and threw her against the wall.

  “I love your crazy ass, girl! I promise I do. I tried to let you go, but baby, I can’t get enough of you.”

  I kissed her. She didn’t resist. In fact, she pulled me deeper into her. I wrapped her legs around my waist as I kissed her as passionately as I could. As she unbuckled my pants, I pushed her panties to the side. I couldn’t wait to get inside of her, and when I did, she yelled out so loud I knew everybody in the hallway heard her, but I swear I didn’t care at all. I planted my hands on the wall with the back of her knees positioned in the bend of my arms and I stroked her deeply.

  “I miss you so much, Noelle. I love you so much. I’m so sorry,” I confessed as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me deeper into her.

  “Why did you do this, Alex? Why?” she cried as I licked and sucked on her neck.

  I didn’t answer her. I couldn’t answer her. I just focused on trying to show her how much I loved her in this moment. I felt her tighten her legs around me and I figured she was about to cum so I slowed my strokes down and she got even wetter. I didn’t want to cum so fast but feeling her pussy throbbing against me made me cum right along with her. I slid down the wall and tried to catch my breath. She stood and pulled her dress down. Rushing to get her purse she tried to hide the tears that were falling but I’d already seen them. As she walked sideways out of the room I stood.

  “I love you. Call me,” I said to her, but she didn’t reply.

  Jabari

  When I saw her sitting at the table alone, I immediately wanted to walk over to her and be her companion. She looked stressed as hell. Her leg was shaking quickly. Three shot glasses were sitting in front of her and she had three cigarette butts in her ashtray. I hated when women smoked cigarettes. The occasional blunt or cigar was cool but I couldn’t do cigarettes. Especially when the woman was as beautiful as this one was.

  Her skin was a little lighter than cinnamon. She had the prettiest set of beauty marks on both cheeks. Each cheek had five of them sitting perfectly on her face. Her cheek bones were high and well defined and she had the most captivating brown eyes I’d ever seen. It was like…they glowed. Her black hair was a little past her shoulders in this feathered layered cut. Every time she rocked to the side, it flowed effortlessly, full of body. Speaking of body, she was short and slim. Her body was like that of Jhene Aiko. She was small but toned and sexy. I definitely was feeling her. But I couldn’t understand why she was sitting here in the middle of the day smoking and drinking, and alone for that matter.

  As crazy as it sounds I felt the need to see about her. Protect her, but I didn’t want her taking her frustrations out on me so I decided against it. Now if she wanted to take her frustrations out on this dick we could talk. She looked like she wasn’t the type to give it up that easily so I admired her from a distance. I know I probably looked crazy standing here staring at a woman I didn’t even know but I didn’t care. Ever since she came in and placed her order and made her way out to the patio I couldn’t help but want to be close to her.

  It started out with me coming out of the kitchen and going behind the bar. Then I sat at a table near the window. Now I was standing outside leaning against the wall. When I heard the door open and close and the scent of Japanese Cherry Blossom filled my nostrils I sighed. My little sister was about to come out here and start some shit.

  “Will you just talk to her already so you can go back in the kitchen? I’m tired of cooking. I want to go back to serving and making my tips.”

  “Talk to who?” I asked her playing dumb.

  “RiRi don’t play with me. The girl that’s got you acting all stalkerish. You want me to go talk to her for you?”

  Before I could answer her Jessica was making her way to the cutie’s table. I hemmed her nosey ass up real quick. Bumping into a table in the process. She looked at us for a moment but returned her attention to her phone.

  “Girl, are you out of your mind?” I loudly whispered.

  “What is wrong with you, RiRi? You’ve never been scared to talk to a girl before.”

  “I ain’t scared now. I don’t want to talk to her. I just…I was just admiring her.”

  “Well, can you sto
p admiring her and get back in the kitchen and do your job?”

  “Somebody sent their food back on yo ass, huh?”

  That was the only time Jessica tripped about covering for me in the kitchen. She couldn’t get down like I could. Nobody that I knew could frankly. That’s why I was the head chef here.

  “Yeah, talking about the middle of his chicken was cold. I’m like… nigga… it ain’t my fault you let it sit there and get cold. The shit ain’t have no blood in it so I know it wasn’t raw.”

  “Watch your mouth, lil girl. I’ll be in there in a minute.”

  “So, you gone talk to her? She is pretty.”

  I looked over at her again before shrugging. “I guess. I don’t know man. Nah, I’m not.”

  “What? RiRi… why not?”

  I ignored my sister as I returned to the kitchen. There was something about this chick that I loved but feared at the same damn time.

  Alayziah

  It had been three months since I found out that Alex and Carmen were married. I slipped up and had sex with him a few times before I changed my number, deactivated my social media accounts, switched jobs and moved to a new apartment complex. Yes, it was that serious. I couldn’t shake him. It was like…he was my weakness. Like I was addicted to him. I just couldn’t turn him down, and he knew that. That was why he kept coming back, but I felt so bad so I was committed to doing whatever it took to get over him. My cousin hooked me up and I’d gotten a job as a copywriter and with my salary, I was able to rent this banging studio apartment downtown by the river.

  With me feeling all that I was feeling I wrote a poetry collection and I was spending my weekends traveling and doing open mic nights and slam poetry contests to promote it. That was definitely my release and way to get over Alex along with smoking cigarettes. People were always talking about how they calmed them down when they were stressed, so I tried them one day and now I was hooked. It was a stinky and expensive habit to pick up, but for now, it was getting the job done. There was this cool restaurant down the street from my apartment that I stumbled across that I frequented a lot. I hated being in the house alone, gave me too much time to think about him with her, so if I wasn’t at work or out of town, that was where I spent my free time.

  Andrew finally found a woman to marry him so I didn’t have him to entertain me anymore, and with Marcel working and going to school I didn’t want to always bother him with my issues. I was lonely as fuck and I didn’t have any girlfriends. I refused to meet any new guys. All I had was my cigarettes and my poetry.

  Jabari

  I didn’t usually do the lounge scene but my nigga Red had been telling me about some chick that performs at the poetry night that he goes to on Mondays. He swears he’s in love with her even though he’s never spoken to her before. Seeing as I have the same situation going on with the chick at the restaurant, I decided to go and give him some moral support if he decided to make his move. We’d been there for an hour or so when he almost pushed me out of my chair nudging me.

  “There she is, nigga, that’s her,” he said all hyped.

  I laughed at his ass before following his hand to the stage and laying eyes on my woman. My smile immediately faded. She was standing on the stage with her hands wrapped around the microphone. After inhaling deeply, she looked out into the crowd and locked eyes with me.

  “I… I think she's looking at me,” Red whispered.

  “No, my nigga. She’s looking at me. That’s the chick from the restaurant I was telling you about.”

  “Oh, shit. I won’t stand a chance against your ass.”

  I chuckled as I sat deeper into my seat. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it before walking off the stage and out of the side exit. I wanted to run after her, but something was just keeping me away from her.

  “Has she ever done that before?”

  “Nah. Never. She always does her poetry with no problem. Guess I’ll have to read her collection and imagine her reciting something to me.”

  “She has a poetry collection?”

  “Yeah. They sell them here. Go get you a copy from Fred.”

  Nodding I stood and made my way over to the owner of the lounge. Maybe I could figure a little bit out about this mystery woman by reading her poetry.

  Alayziah

  I don’t know what came over me. When I saw him my mind went blank. He literally took my words out of my mouth and left me speechless. Though his face was a little familiar, I didn’t think I knew him, and I didn’t think I’d ever seen him that close up before. He was sitting down but I could tell by the way he was seated and his legs were positioned under the table that he was tall. His skin was the same color as mine. He was slimly built with hooded eyes and the fullest eyelashes I’d seen on a man. His lips were thick and blunt brown and his teeth, oh my God his teeth, he had some pretty white teeth; but what made me pine over him was the fact that he had two pointy vampire like teeth that showed when he smiled. I couldn’t help but want to see how they’d feel as he licked, sucked and bit my skin.

  I had to get out of there. I didn’t want to like. I didn’t want to lust. I didn’t want to love. I didn’t want to feel. I’d numbed myself to that and he was waking up things that I’d put to sleep. Even though I was hoping I’d never see him again it probably wouldn’t have mattered if I did. After my mini meltdown, he probably thought I was crazy.

  Jabari

  Weeks had passed since she came back to the restaurant. I’d been reading her poetry collection so much that I was pretty sure I had every poem memorized. She walked into the restaurant and for the first time since she’d started coming in, she didn’t order any alcohol. Nor did she sit on the balcony to smoke. She sat in the back of the restaurant with a legal pad in front of her. Her hair was pulled into a bun on the top of her head. She had on some glasses so I couldn’t look at those beauty marks that I’d grown to love but I could tell that she was more rested and at peace and I was curious to know why.

  After she ordered her usual fettuccine alfredo and chicken Caesar salad I decided to take it to her. I don’t know why the fuck I was so nervous. I could have any woman I wanted and here I was nervous to talk to this one. Her running out that night didn’t make this shit any easier. As I walked towards her table I tried not to drop her food and pull her move of running out. I was going to figure out what it was about her that was messing with me. Today. I sat her food on the table and she thanked me without looking up.

  “You’re welcome,” I replied, causing her to look up.

  Her mouth opened slightly at the sight of me. I blushed. She took her glasses off and smiled. I don’t know what came over me but I couldn’t speak. As she looked at me, all I could do was stare back at her. I probably looked crazy and awkward as fuck but I couldn’t help it. The only thing that came to my mind was her poetry collection. So I took it out of my pocket and asked her if she’d sign it. After staring at me, skeptically, for a few seconds, she took the book from my hands, signed it, stood abruptly and rushed out.

  I tried to chase after her but she was too fast and, to be honest, the shit caught me off guard. When I looked back at the table I saw that she’d left her pad, phone, and purse. Sighing, I went to the back to get two boxes for her food before going through her wallet to get her address off of her ID.

  Alayziah

  “Ugh, shit!” I yelled. I couldn’t believe I left my purse and phone at the restaurant. When that fine nigga asked me to sign my poetry collection for him my bottom set of lips started crying. Leaking. Throbbing. Aching. I had to get the fuck up out of there. Now I’m going to look even more stupid when I walk back down there to get my purse with my keys in it.

  “Forget something?”

  It was him. I didn’t even have to turn around. I was so embarrassed. With my head down I held my hand behind me. He placed my keys in my hand and laughed lightly. God, could this get any worse? Once the door was open I held my hand behind me again. This time, he handed me the legal pad I was writing
my poetry in. I threw it inside my apartment and held my hand out again.

  When he placed my phone in my hand he asked, “Why can’t you look at me?”

  I shrugged as I slid my phone in the pocket of the sweats I was wearing. I wasn’t planning on being seen by him or any other good looking man today. My hair was a mess on the top of my head. I had on my red and white Tupac and Janet Jackson Poetic Justice shirt with some black sweats and a pair of white socks and Nike sandals. I even had on my glasses instead of my contacts. Today was not the day.

  “Am I ugly to you or something?” he asked.

  I shook my head no as I held my hand out for my purse. Instead, he gave me containers of food.

  “Shit, I didn’t pay for my food. I’m sorry. Give me my purse so I can pay you.”

  “You curse a lot. That’s not ladylike. Neither is smoking cigarettes.”

  “What are you? My daddy?” I asked with my back still to him.

  “No, Sweetheart. Just a man.”

  “Well… I haven’t smoked all week.”

  Why was I explaining myself to him?

  “That’s good. That’s great. That’s really great. Why were you anyway?”

  I shrugged again. “Just… had a lot on my mind at one point. It… relaxed me.”

  He grew silent but recovered by saying, “I can relax you if you let me.”

  Scratching my head, I slowly turned to face him. Damn. He was, even more, handsome up close.

  Jabari

  Damn. She was, even more, beautiful up close. I couldn’t imagine how crazy I looked holding her purse so I handed it to her.

  “Everything is in there. Just looked at your ID for your address.”

  She nodded as she looked away. Wrapping her arms around her stomach, she bit the inside of her jaw. I took a step closer. She took a step back.

  “What is it, Sweetheart?” I asked.